myth

my mind goes to several important things when I got up this morning. Usually when something is coming up early in my mind after getting up, it means that it is very important for me, but usually I don't think about it with my conscious mind. It seems like it's coming from my deep unconscious mind, that it emerges like something from the deep of water. Even I cannot describe these kind of thoughts to my wife, perhaps because it is too personal, and might be some kind of guidance from the deep mind of me. For some times I thought about these 'mythical mornings' of my personal self. I don't know whether it has anything to do with the issues a man have at my age. Or it might be caused by a health factor.



I don't feel happy about it, but it's not something that makes me sad, too. Life has so much more to offer than happiness or sadness, and I have embraced maybe almost all of its myths.

my dad and my wife's dad are two different people that teach me something. I grew up thinking that my father was the greatest man without a fault. He did his religion very well, he also gave us a big house that we all can share now. He did everything he could for himself, except for one thing; he died too soon. He said many times about not wanting to die of disease or age. He wanted to suddenly died of nothing. Simply because he doesn't like to watch people died in suffer. He did well of his religion too, and well of taking care of his family, except for that very thing; of death.

One day we found him laid on bed, on a sunny great evening. He didn't respond to my calls, he didn't respond when I woke him up, or when I touch his eyes. I had some minutes alone with my dad when he suddenly dead and people were rushing around the house to prepare for his funeral. Those single minutes you spend with someone that you love, who guided you with so many things in life, with your most hero who suddenly became inanimate. I couldn't describe the feeling. It was so awful. And I was only 10 years old.

I really missed him. I wish he could live longer to guide my life. Right now my tears are just coming out of some deeper feelings that I bring throughout the years without him. I couldn't stop it. I lost my dad too soon. Even in my 38 years of age right now, I still cried if I remember him. Because those moments I spent alone with my dad that evening, after he died, was really awful and terrible. I wish I could wake him up. It is the memory I couldn't share with anyone. I can just write about it.

I wonder why he left us so soon, why he left when I was only 10. Why couldn't I get more time to talk about many things with him.

But as I grew older, I realize that he wasn't the biggest, flawless hero that was there in my mind during my childhood and teenage. Sometimes I think about the possibility of my dad was dead intentionally. Even though I know that he was a good and caring person, I gradually think that he wasn't that good man to try to live longest time for his family. He wanted life for his own sake. Part of me has embraced the hatred of that moment when he left. But maybe, just maybe, it is the hatred of not being able to bring him back to life. I could never say goodbye to him.

All I could remember is that he died in smile. That might be a good feeling he had for last.

---------------------------

And now about my father in law, is quite a different thing. My wife's father wanted to live the longest life. I have a feeling he wanted to life 200 years or so. His life was not really good. He was died about a month ago, leaving so much debt. He was a broken man, with so much debt that gave his family a great deal of grieve. It was all started with a ponzy scheme business that he was running. The problem with this kind of business is that when it collapsed, the money never came back. You can always find many stories regarding 'bisnis Maryoso' in LDII, and find a lot of different stories telling you about that filth of money game had to do with so many people.

In LDII, people share those stories about bisnis Maryoso like it was real, even when stupidity drives people giving their money to their believed ones carelessly, to find that the money will be gone one day in the great collapse. My wife's family were so much affected by the collapse of their father's business, that it took each member of the family to suffer in a mostly punishing members of society their living as their closest circle.

After the great collapse of bisnis Maryoso (or it might be better called as the business run by the leaders in LDII), there were told about around Rp 500.000.000,- (around 375.000USD) or so that my wife's father had in debt, and it is just a small percentage of the great loss people had in sum from the case. And the money belonged to their family's most inner circle, including siblings, cousins, aunts and nephews. Their money were suddenly disappeared and became his debt. People were coming to their house and took away everything, including their cars, motorbikes, TV, radios, even books. So the family went from very much to very less. My dad in law ran away from his debt to another city for several years, and live as a fugitive to his own closest circle.

He recently came back from his run after many years leaving his family, including my wife to suffer in the most painful punishment from their family members who are affected. Some became enemies, and some are giving inappropriate gestures for so many years. His dad was one day crippled from some accident, or maybe some fights? Who knows.

So came the day he died. All the promises were broken. I remember the day he promised to give me a great amount of money for a hajj pilgrimage with my wife. I suspect he promised that to me as a disguise of his failure.

The man died in grieve on his face.